Him and I
by Cannygrl
Summary: This is the story of my sweet boy; the object of my hatred, my love, my infatuation, my anger and even my smiles. Longer Summery inside. AH ** This is the first story i've written in a few years. Guess i finally have something to inspire me again. :)
1. Idea

We've waited so patiently to speak and express ourselves, now it seems that even expression is lost in the distance. For so long I have fought the urge to love you and care for you and hold you, that now that you've found someone new, I've become strapped to my own insecurities. Riddled with disappointment and discouraged by **your** smiles, I know will soon fade, for her; because your happiness means more to me than my own.

That's all they ever are: Searing infatuations that he soon overcomes when reality brings incompatibility to light.

This is the story of my sweet boy; the object of my hatred, my love, my infatuation, my anger and even my smiles

 *****HIM AND I*****

 _i know this is short and it doesn't give too much away but i hope whoever reads this will have a fantastic time. this is technically my first story in 5/6 years, and even then I only posted a few chapters because it didn't feel like i was being honest, like i was trying too hard for something that shouldn't have been. like a little girl trying to recall something she did not herself experience. I have however kept writing poetry and so i will unload all/some of that here._

 _ **AND FINALLY**_

 _I hope to post at least once a week but i work 2 jobs and life gets hectic sometimes but i'll try my best to keep to a schedule. if you like the prologue/summery/idea bouncing around in my head please let me know, if you hate it, please let me know. and if my grammar sucks and you hate my spelling, feel free to be my beta, because i have none and have no clue how to get one lol_.

Candice.


	2. Fading from the background

***Him and I***

We weren't friends, we weren't anything really… acquaintance is a good word to use. Yes _acquaintance._ We hung around together when our mutual friends were together and never really got together on our own… it's just the way things are. I mean have you met him? He's a womanizer! _But it's just my type._ WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

***Him and I***

Okay maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. My name is Bella, I'm 23 years old and I live in Seattle, when I was younger I lived in a little town called Forks. It isn't very big and I wasn't all that popular, and I didn't really take too much notice of those around me. I mean I had two friends, Tanya and Angela, but Tanya's dad traveled all the time with his job and when his company decided to relocate him, he moved his family with him and I lost my friend. That was 4th grade though, by 5th grade Angela had moved to town and we were fast becoming best friends even though I really missed Tanya. Other than that I really didn't have many friends. I was on great terms with my teachers but not really with the other students who didn't really understand me. Even then I spent all my free time in the library because I loved books so much and when I watched Matilda I truly believed that being smart would give me superpowers, yet even when I was old enough to understand it wouldn't I was in too deep with my love for knowledge by then.

Okay so fast forward to 6th grade, I moved from Forks to Arizona. My mom got a great promotion and it was a good opportunity. She also knew a guy up there for a while, he wasn't too handsome (at least not to me, or anyone in my family) but he seemed to be sweet enough. For the first year I stayed behind with my grandmother. We come from a really large family and we're all pretty tight knit so I was cool with that, then it came time for me to move in with my mom because she'd gotten settled and they lived together because they had actually started dating before she ever moved or got the promotion, so I lived with her in Arizona for a few years where she had my little brother Jacob(who swears he was meant to be born 1st so he calls me little sister) but her prince charming turned into a douche bag with anger issues and extreme nice-phobia with a curious side helping of pretentiousness around others! Adding fuel…

 **Now 3 things to understand about me:**

 **1\. have never had a father.**

 **2\. I blamed ever womanizing asshole.**

 **3\. I lived by that saying by Genghis Khan "I am the wrath of God, if you had not committed great sin, God would not have unleashed a punishment like me upon you."**

 _Let's just say I took the last one a bit too literally!_

By the time I got to high school, I had the steadfast belief that boys who treated girls like shit deserved a dose of their own medicine. I was the definition of an angry teenager, hidden behind books and a bad temper that ever guy and girl knew not to mess with, though I never laid a finger on a female ever, males received the brunt of my callous discord. Though now that I looked back I sometimes judged to harshly, but it happened no less.

I didn't date. I never dated. My mom had asked me if I was a lesbian, in 11th grade because I had never even so much as hung out with a guy I didn't consider a brother. By the time I'd left high school I was considered a tease, because I would never give up my cookies for a fleeting carnal need. The day after my high school senior prom i left Arizona and moved back in with my Grandma in Forks.

What can I say, I'm not a prude but I wouldn't give it up unless I wanted to. The guys that I had flings with wasn't for love, it wasn't even for lust, it was to teach them a lesson. By the time I was 18 ever guy I had even so much as kissed had called me a heartless bitch, and I liked it, I reveled in it, I relished it! To me it was hilarious, I was once making out with a guy who uninviting got naked so I kicked him out and the next morning I laughed about it.

Some part of my brain and heart knew that what I was doing was wrong and that would catch up to me but they deserved it! the deserved to feel the pain they inflicted on the women they dated and I wanted to inflict that pain.

I don't know why that suddenly changed when i met him.  
maybe not right away but slowly, little by little I began to change. Though the first thing to change that was painstakingly obvious was the fact that every guy before him i had warned off long before i had hurt them, i had told them not to fall in love with me because i wouldn't reciprocate their feelings and they had taken it like a challenge but with him however, before i'd even thought to, he'd given me my line word for word just as i might have spoken it myself.


	3. Leaving the Nest

*****Him and I*****

 **Chapter2:** _Leaving the Nest_

The day we met had been a tiresome one; it was the day I was finally moving back to Washington. I wasn't even staying for graduation, I was just glad to be gone! I would miss Renee and Jacob but I could always visit them and they could visit me.

 *****Him and I*****

I can't help but feel bad whenever I look at my mom, though I appreciate her sacrifices to give me everything I need, things are so tense between Phil and I that I feel like I can't breathe. Phil has only ever been civil with me, never loving or overly kind just civil at best. Maybe this separation will better my mom's living situation, I feel like he treats her better when I'm not around anyway, at least that's what I've noticed. I'm tired of always feeling like I've caused his bad temperament just by existing. But I understand why she stays with him. I see how he looks at Jake. I see how he plays with Jake, I see him showering his son with love and affection. I see the hurt in her eyes when she thinks about how I've never had that with my father. I've come to be okay with it though, I have Renee and Jake and that's okay with me.

Now though she looks at me so sad as she helps me pack up the last odds and ends. She always repacks my bags after I pack them because she somehow finds more space then I have. I wait for her to joke like she does whenever I pack my bags but she says nothing only smiles with sadness in her eyes. As she helps me with what few bags I'm carrying by hand, as she puts it into phil's car. He seems more chipper than usual and I already know its because I'm leaving. He's finally gotten his wish. Jake is only 6 years old, he doesn't understand why I need to leave. He knows his daddy dislikes me but he doesn't realize why, so instead I say its because I'll be going off to college there, I just haven't told him I never applied to one closer to phoenix. So I hold him as we drive to the airport knowing he's hurting thinking I'm abandoning him and leaving him and mommy alone with daddys temper. His father may not have been physically abusive of Renne and I but he was emotionally abusive. When I received my acceptance to UDUB he was shocked more than anything because he had once told me I would never amount to anything.

As I sit on the backseat of the car, sandwiched between my mother and my brother holding in my tears knowing I wouldn't be able to see them for a long while. Jake looks up at me and says "can I come with you. I also wanna visit granny Marie, then we can come back together." I smile at him and say "we can save up to buy you and mommy a ticket" and he smiles knowing I always keep my promises. He's my weakness, my one reason for staying in that mans house for as long as I did. And one day I'd get him out of there too.

We arrive at PHX and make our way over to the America Eagle I check-in and its almost time for me to board my flight, Jake hugs me tight with a Shakey Bear hug, our special kinda hugs, and he squeezes tighter not wanting to let me go and not wanting me to see him cry. So I squeeze him tighter and I kiss his head. I do ther same with my mom because she's really my best friend. Then as im about to walk away I pull Jake in for one last hug and then I'm gone. I see him turn his back to me already seeing his ears go red, just about as red as mine must be, I'll call him during my layover. _Just one and a half hours till LAX_. I seem to have to remind myself that fact the whole way as I ball my eyes out, the entire time. I haven't been so long without my little monster before. And he hasn't been without me for this long before, and I know it will be tough but I'll scrap together every cent I have for him to visit me.

When I arrive in LAX my eyes are bloodshot and swollen and are still rimmed with tears, I call the monster and he doesn't want to speak to me because he doesn't want me to hear him cry. He thinks I'm the strongest person alive because when daddy screams I stand my ground while mommy cries. My mom's a strong woman who can take any amount of pain and frustration but seeing me unhappy or arguing with Phil always makes her cry. I hate it when my mom cries, that's why I have to leave, that's why I know its for the best.

 *****Him and I*****

Everywhere I look everything I see reminds me of Jake. I can't help but cry more. I feel like a disaster and in my state I must look like one too. I make my way over to the uncomfortable metal chairs and have a seat, _this is going to be a long six hours_ , the plane has been delayed further because of some storm hitting Washington so all the planes in that region are grounded. I just want to get into my Grandma Marie's arms. She understands what I feel, she always has. It seems I must have dosed off as my phone sings me awake, my moms calling to find out if I've left yet, satisfied that I am still infact safe, she says her goodbyes not before jake grabs the phone to tell me he loves me and that hes going to miss farting in my face I laugh out loud and he makes me feel better. He's still sad but that's just his personality.

They finally call for my plane to board LAX to SEA TAC and I'm up saying my goodbyes to a lonely phone. Mom tells me to be safe and tells me to say a prayer as I go, the sadness evident in her voice again as she tells me she misses me already. I fear I'm going to be late so I run to the terminal in a blurry eyed, tear streaming haze. Then a BANG! knocks the wind out of me, my knees buckle and I'm down for the count. A second later theres a hand helping me up, he's the boy I've knocked into but he doesn't seem to have gotten hurt at all. He seems abit irritated and asks me if I know how to watch were I'm going or if I just like pretending I'm blind. A burly boy stops him and says cant you see shes been crying. He looks at me still pissed quite abit his family seems to be leaving He's cute and all with deep dimples and reddish brown hair, but to me he just seems as lost as I am. His friend/ brother picks him up in a tight gripped hug and says " make it big kid, I know you can do it." With that he turns around, walking to catch up to their parents? I suppose, lugging the few bags I had spilled over with him.

Before I could walk though security check he grabbed my wrist and smiled at me, he said "I'm sorry", then he kissed my hand and I felt like it was a movie. So I smiled up at him and he let me go, but when I got through security and I turned around he was already gone.


	4. Friends in High Places and

*****Him and I*****

 **Chapter3:** _Friends in high places and the singsong voice of green_

When I finally got on the plane, all morbid thoughts aside, so tired of crying for so long that as soon as I got into the seat, I drifted into a dream land filled with green eyes and wide dimpled smiles and shiny spiky hair. I awoke about an hour into a flight, realizing that the burly guy that was talking to Mr. Gorgeous was seated 2 seats away in a 3 seat section, with me at the window. He was cute with deep dimples, just like the _other one_ but he was a walking contradiction: bit more _cute and cuddly_ than the _other_ , quite intimidating but still really handsome. In between us there was a young girl, maybe my age but with a younger face and more childlike features. She was very pretty though she looked like an angry punk rocker mixed with a flower child pixie with spiky flared hair, like she was wearing a helmet, suited her well though. She was dressed in black strappy combat boots _(love them!)_ with skilfully ripped bright tights seemingly homemade, and a bright pink tee, woven through a black one or maybe the black was woven through the pink, woven into some kind of rose shape but I'm not sure because it's nothing I've ever seen before. She had music festival bands up her arm (the type made from bright coloured material not a strip of plastic), some old and worn and faded, some newer and bright. I recognised a few because I had always wanted to go with nowhere near the courage to ask my mom.

When she noticed I had woken up, she offered me a warm smile, and a greeting and I reciprocated. She introduced herself as Mary-Alice and declared she hated it, and then insisted on Alice. I laughed and tried to imitate her zest, if only because I felt lifeless in my fatigue. I introduced myself as Isabella then laughed again when I insisted she call me Bella because I found it hilarious I had managed to sit next to the one other person who hated their name too, or at least part of it.

When it came time for the cabin crew to bring on the munchables, we both laughed at how excited we got, not just Alice and I but Emmett, Alice's oldest brother I had learned, too. Alice whispered to me "Emmett eats like a caveman who never sat at a table and never enjoyed a meal before and had to hunt and kill the damn animal too, cause that's the only way you can work up that big of an appetite!" though I suspect she wanted him to hear her when he laughed, snorted and lifted up his hands and said, "well if you thinking that gets me more food, I'm all for it. By the way does that mean I get half of yours? You know they give such tiny portions!" We all laughed out loud and just then the food arrived, with Emmet choosing beef, Alice choosing fish and me choosing chicken. The air hostess laughed the array we had chosen and suggested we each have a bit of each, Alice joked that she had no problem sharing with me but that Emmett had ulterior motives and we would get the short end of the stick. Emmett laughed and said she already had. I had to laugh at that one, standing proudly and fiercely at 5 foot 4; she was almost a full 2 inches shorter than me, standing not so tall at 5 foot 6. Emmett towered over us both with more than 6 inches to his muscular frame. I tried to imagine Emmett's muscular frame with Alice's tiny size, the thought made me giggle. I whispered to Alice what I was thinking and she snorted a laugh he looked at us quizzically and continued eating.

I knew this would be a start of a great friendship. Alice asked for my number as the plane doors opened, we exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in contact. We walked to the baggage claim together discussing plans for the summer. Alice invited me to go partying in Seattle when I got the chance.

I had learned that we had some similar tastes in music… that being almost everything. She had an inkling for rock and a little bit of pop, some old school hip hop and R&B, bachata and reggeton, electro and trance and a whole lot of euro-dance. It's what we both liked and we knew it would give us more to talk about. We never exchanged addresses, guess it just never came up, I didn't think she'd know where Forks was in any case, people in bustling cities like Seattle scarcely ever remember the names of little towns, especially not ones they are not likely to travel to.

She felt like that summer would be the summer of trace clubs and trance parties, because what better way to spend your day than listening to psy-trance all through the night. "We're bringing back raves, as if they've left, in the middle of nowhere, this flower child in me loves. I'm fighting the urge to stop, start booming the psychedelics and start a party right here. Though I don't think TSA would approve and I'm in no mood to get arrested."

 ** _***HIM AND I***_**

As I exited the baggage claim terminal I saw my uncle Charlie and Grandma Marie, I had greeted Alice and her family had already left the airport while I searched for mine in the hordes of people waiting.

We drove to Forks but I'd managed to sleep all the way to Folks. When we gotten home, I pulled out my phone to call my mom and realized I had a text from Alice telling me she hoped I'd arrived safely and that I should call her when I got time and to if we could meet up the following weekend for coffee in Port Angeles which wasn't as far from Forks as Seattle and before she forgot to mention that she was glad we met. I wondered to myself how long it had taken her to type that message because if it was half as quickly as she spoke it would have been a flash.

I decided I'd call her after I called my mom, so she wouldn't worry, and when I did she answered on the first ring sounding groggy, she was asleep, but had answered anyway, I let her know I was safe and she murmured her responses trying to stay awake, for me at least. I said goodnight and told her I missed her, and then we hung up. I'd speak to her when she woke up. I called Alice next and she answered after a few rings, she screamed my name into the phone and Emmett grabbed it from her, she laughed and there was some commotion which involved Emmett yelling "you'd think she was a lesbian the way she's been vibrating since we left you, cool it hot one!" some more commotion ensued with Emmett shouting for his manhood, leaving the phone to drop to the ground. Alice picked it up and she sounded like she ran away, then a door slammed shut and she Exclaimed that she had kicked him in the balls softly though, _can you kick a guy in the balls_ _ **softly**_ _?_ I just laughed. We spoke for a while longer and then it was lights out for me too! Today was too tiring for me, such a rollercoaster of emotions! And I had had enough and somehow wanted it to last too.

*** **HIM AND I*****

 _A blur, a green eyed haze, flashing browns and reds, smoldering, singing to me. His voice smooth and silky like the way he had spoken, not too deep, sinking into my bare flesh, in a house of glass misting the windows. Sweet serenity, killing me softly. Playing with my emotions so tenderly. And worst._

 _"For so long I have dreamed of a world of you and I, Knowing you would always be there for me. Now I'm not so sure, my faith is shaken, baby this commemoration, of a time we used to share, before life got so sad._

 _"Sorry is too hard to say, let me prove we have a future, be my best friend not my lover, we can prove it to the world and to each other, I'm meant to be with you, baby…"_

Years & Years' "Desire" wakes me up and I'm cranky as all hell until I realize where I am, probably the only time that song hasn't woken me up happy. It's my final alarm clock. I have 4, each with a different song, each set to snooze if need be, but I never let them snooze, in fact, I never even remember switching them off at all. The First is generic, that Samsung tone because I never remember hearing it. The 2nd is Prince Royce's "Extraordinary", It never truly wakes me but it eases me out of sleep pretty well, soft and soothing, one of my favorites on his new album, I almost always remember hearing it, I just never remember putting that one off. The 3rd is Shane Filan's "Knee deep in my heart", I know it sounds a bit like Irish folk music or something akin to that but I absolutely adore it. If I'm in a particularly good mood and particularly well rested, this is the song I'm usually up by. I'm not generally a morning person… but my attitude in the morning doesn't suck either.

 *****HIM AND I*****

I woke up to 2 little weirdos jumping up and down on top of me. Shouting at the top of their lungs, giggling the way little children do, when they see their favorite plaything. The one is my cousin's daughter and the other is actually my cousin, though a different much younger cousin. They giggle that I'm back and now we can play all day so I laugh at their enthusiasm and playfully kick them out so I can get back to sleep, its only six am and their as chipper as they come. I think of the dream I've just had but it's so unnerving that I don't remember much of it… just the way it's made me feel.

I decide to call it quits at almost seven thirty, I just can't go back to sleep, thinking I might go down for a run. As I walk down the stairs I hear a familiar voice in deep conversation discussing a girl she had met yesterday with my cousin, when I reach down stairs I realize it's my cousin Rosalie chatting to Alice of all people

Rose jumps up to hug me and kiss my cheek; she hadn't been here when I arrived. She had been out with her boyfriend. Queue light bulb moment when Emmett walks in and suddenly my filtration system is obliterated, I suddenly jump and say, maybe more like screech " Emmett's your boyfriend?", finally feeling as though my brain put the pieces together like a 5 year old finishing her first jigsaw by herself, suddenly feeling self-conscious in my hot shorts and baggy t-shirt. He laughs and grabs me in a hug as Rose giggles that I must be the new friend she heard so much about, he laughs out a "yup", popping the 'p' then yells that I need pants and I feel like I've known him for years, so I start to laugh and show my blatant defiance by going to the kitchen for cereal, Alice and Rose just laugh at the entire situation.

How is it possible that you could know someone for one day and feel like you've known them you're entire life, or know someone for so long and barely know them at all?!

…

I Miss My Mom more right now!


End file.
